Stop Bitching and Start an Evolution


Recently it came to my attention that students living on campus are being subjected to inhuman living conditions by the College. People like you and I have been placed in single rooms with up to three other individuals, and forced to relegate their personal effects to the area of approximately four floor tiles.
This outrage will not be tolerated! Its time for students to take matters into their own hands, and I’m not talking about a class action lawsuit here. We need to do what other species do when they are introduced to an adverse environment: evolve.
Bats, for instance, have the amazing ability to coexist while 20,000 or so of them are crammed into a space roughly the size of a toilet bowl. There is no logical reason why we as humans should not strive towards making the trans-species, evolutionary jump from human-oid to Bat-oid.
Bats: clearly our evolutionary older brother, have long been the object of scientific theorization. In fact, in the early 30’s Albert Einstein was reported to have had “bats in his belfry.” Evolution experts in the young Einstein’s native Germany, had apparently discovered that his physical features were remarkably similar to those of a bat, especially in his belfry region. (Little known fact: Einstein preferred to communicate through sonar, rather than the more traditional German folk songs of the day)
Today, thanks to modern science, all trans-species candidates need not be born fluent in sonar, nor possess the webbed fingers, and arm flaps of the young Einstein. Today all we need is the will to be transformed into something we are not. (and $10,000 dollars)
It is no secret that plastic surgery has made the most significant contribution to modern life and culture. The impact of the nose-job, the face-lift, the boob-job, the “tummy-tuck”, and “Bo-Tox” is impossible to over-emphasize, especially when taken in the context of today’s political issues such as the war in Iraq, Election Fraud in Mexico, etc. However the way of the future is not found in plastic surgery alone, but rather in a combination of Pilates and plastic surgery or “Pilastic Surgery”.
Pilastic Surgery makes the trans-species jump economic, fun, and no more time consuming than say… learning to walk on a tight rope while juggling burning chainsaws. “Why Pilates?” you might ask. You see, Pilates, was developed by an actual bat. It is a form of exercise/ therapy that consists mostly of hanging upside down, just like a bat. Needless to say that bat is now a multi-billionaire and has had operations to enhance his humanoid features. If you hadn’t figured it out yet, Ill tell you: his name is Michael Jackson.
Pilastic surgery allows for the coupling of a surgical procedure, designed to make the human body resemble an enormous bat, with Pilates style rehabilitation. When the process is completed, patients will enjoy a wide range of bat related activities; namely sleeping in close quarters with other bat-oids, while hanging from metal bars ten feet above the ground.
Guilford’s Office of Campus Life is firmly committed to support its students who decide to make the trans-species switch. Several residence halls have already been scheduled for renovations, and GLBTQA has added another “B” to their’ all-embracing acronym.
Most importantly however, residence halls will now be able to house millions of students. In one conservative estimate Randy Doss guessed that “the College could see its earnings increase two million fold over the next few years.” Doss went on to speculate, that the “proceeds from the sale of amassed bat guano to organic farmers could double or even triple these estimates.”